everyone is single if you try hard enough
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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