Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize