Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
