he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
