it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
