The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
