Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
