I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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