I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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