I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
