whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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