Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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