My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
