my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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