the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
