I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
