Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
