Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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