Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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