Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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