He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
