If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
