My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
