id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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