peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
