are you so shy because you have an std?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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