Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
