What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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