My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
