im drinking this country out of the recession.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
