maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
