Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
