I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
