Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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