also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
