I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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