Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
