May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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