Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
