if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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