did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i was born a porn star she said
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
