How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
