I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
