Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
