dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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