Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
