Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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