my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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