life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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