i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ladies don't puke and tell
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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