I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
