hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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