Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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