Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
