i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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