Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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