look no pants
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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