Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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