Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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