Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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