On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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