Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
